Posted 02 April 2015 - 11:09 AM
I think any of us, with a modicum of a so-called heart, who have ever left someone behind, someone who didn't want to be left, can identify with what you just said.
I am guilty, because of the fear of being the bad-guy who abandons, who deserts, who says "fuck you, sink or swim", of keeping on life-support, relationships well past their expiration date.
To look at someone who doesn't want to be left, and for whom you may still have feelings, but know deep inside that it positively will not, cannot, work....to confront the reality that you are saying goodbye. It's hard. It's like taking a pistol and shooting your beloved dog, terminally sick, between the eyes as he still looks longingly toward you, still seeking your affection until the end. "How can i pull this trigger"? He loves me. I have loved him.
Now I'm going to kill him.
You ask "at what point did you decide to kill it"?
Frequently, i couldn't make the decision. I made the cowards choice and simply disappeared. When I did make the decision, and had a bona-fide sit-down...it was usually in the wake of some unpleasant, tempestuous, or violent incident. It was obvious the time had come. Still, that didn't make it easier. After all, I had lived that person. I had wanted to succeed. Couldn't. I hate failing at anything.
Regrets, you also asked about.
The regret was one of having hurt another person. Even after things got shitty, I know they never wanted it to unfold like it did, so no matter how pissed off I was, I have always been able to see the innocence underlying even the most virulent cunts. I never hated anybody...
Regrets? No. Nostalgia. Sure.
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rxpharm, yung havok, MrDragon and 4 others like this
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