Here we are Firtzl kids: meet Gary, your new dad.
Jokes thread
Started by
Guest_pandemonium_*
, Sep 12 2010 11:50 AM
303 replies to this topic
#74
donnykey
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Posted 25 November 2010 - 03:20 PM
Aussie Guy going down the road with a sheep under each arm. Bumps into his mate who says, "G'day Bruce. Ya shearin?" "Nah mate im Gonna shag 'em both meself!
That's supposed to be a New Zealander . Their accent pronounces sharin' as shearin'
Cheers DK
Oh so happy when in LOS
#75
daveo679
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Posted 26 November 2010 - 12:43 AM
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
#77
daveo679
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Posted 26 November 2010 - 01:35 AM
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
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#78
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:03 AM
An Aussie bloke is on holidays in Bangkok, and lays in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dick, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
the reason why i said aussie bloke, as other blokes from other countries do not do that sort of thing ;-)
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dick, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
the reason why i said aussie bloke, as other blokes from other countries do not do that sort of thing ;-)
#79
Guest_pandemonium_*
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:11 AM
I've got that friday feeling.
My heart is saying 'thank fuck its friday!'
My liver is saying 'aww fuck, not again!'
My heart is saying 'thank fuck its friday!'
My liver is saying 'aww fuck, not again!'
#80
Guest_pandemonium_*
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:12 AM
Does anyone else think this whole Korea tiff is like a fight in primary school?
N. Korea slaps S.Korea, S.Korea doesnt retaliate.
NK slaps S.Korea again, SK doesnt retaliate.
NK punches SK this time, SK slaps NK back.
The headteacher (Russia) tells both Koreas to stop being silly and calm down.
NK tells Russia it was SK that started it.
The local bully (USA) isnt happy with this, and claim to have SK's back.
The school toughman (China) arent happy with this, and claim to have NK's back.
Australia (USA's mate) and Japan (SK's mate) jump to USA and SK's defense.
UK bide their time, and wait until someone has been punched again before making a move!
Meanwhile, France sit in the corner crying...
N. Korea slaps S.Korea, S.Korea doesnt retaliate.
NK slaps S.Korea again, SK doesnt retaliate.
NK punches SK this time, SK slaps NK back.
The headteacher (Russia) tells both Koreas to stop being silly and calm down.
NK tells Russia it was SK that started it.
The local bully (USA) isnt happy with this, and claim to have SK's back.
The school toughman (China) arent happy with this, and claim to have NK's back.
Australia (USA's mate) and Japan (SK's mate) jump to USA and SK's defense.
UK bide their time, and wait until someone has been punched again before making a move!
Meanwhile, France sit in the corner crying...
#81
Guest_pandemonium_*
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:26 AM
Bernard Matthews has died aged 80.........he is due to be cremated next wednesday, Gas Mark 6 for 3 hours!
#82
Guest_pandemonium_*
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:27 AM
Bernard Matthew's has died aged 80
Police are ruling out fowl play
Police are ruling out fowl play
#83
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:27 AM
Turkey Magnet Bernard Mathews Dies. The family are still deciding if they should bury him with or without his giblets!
#84
Guest_pandemonium_*
Guest_pandemonium_*
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Posted 27 November 2010 - 12:28 AM
Outside Kings Cross, I asked this guy if he had any spare change for a cup of tea; he told me to "get tae fuck."
The greedy bastard had a cup full of money.
The greedy bastard had a cup full of money.
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