303 replies to this topic

[yung havok]

A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen. One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods. They set up their tent and after dinner they go to sleep. The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son,
"What are you doing, son?"
After a short silence he answers,
"I'm wanking, father."
"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.
Another minute of awkward silence passes.
"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.
To which his father replies,
"You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."

[DexterHines]

Herr Lampard doesn't make me laugh, I wonder what he would have to achieve to make it happen...? Apparently the alternative captain was -Win Rooney is it? Friendlies are a waste of time anyway.

[petesie]

WTF...

[petesie]

A little bit of Aussie
Kulcha.....


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do

CHIP: Bar snack

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips

MODEM: What you did to the lawns

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up

WEB: What spiders make

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go

UPGRADE: A steep hill

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't
strong enough

[petesie]

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at O'Brians pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of
guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in
town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Mary) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see
that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store
to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked
to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my
mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condomon. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on,
Pete?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shite out of me.... Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[petesie]

The Bridge

Hoot on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

So Hoot pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

Hoot thought about it for a while. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all us BM's, could understand Ladyboys; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Ladyboy truly happy.’

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[petesie]

A 60-year-old man goes for a physical.

All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says,

'Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Bert replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in

the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,*poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife.

'Joan,' he says, 'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*!! the light goes off?'

'OH MY GAWD!' Joan exclaims.
'He's pissing in the Fridge again.--

[yung havok]

Whats hit more balls than Wayne Rooney's foot?

Billy69's chin

[petesie]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[dunworth]

A friend of mine was caught wanking by his wife recently.

He was looking at shemale porn on his laptop and was just about to cum when she entered the room. He had to think fast and close his web browser, and just as he clicked it closed, he blew his load. So his wife seen him cumming to his desktop backround picture of their 14 year old daughter.

The divorce papers are in the post.

[petesie]

SLBT is sitting in La Bumbar with his LB...SLBT says “I love you.”

The LB asks him, “Is that you talking, or is it the cider?”

“It’s me,” says SLBT, “talking to the cider.”

[batman4ever]

SLBT is sitting in La Bumbar with his LB...SLBT says “I love you.”

The LB asks him, “Is that you talking, or is it the cider?”

“It’s me,” says SLBT, “talking to the cider.”