59 replies to this topic

[drhoneytongue]

More on Maggie...

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Michael Jackson?
Margaret Thatcher didn't like miners.
******************************************

Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated.
Unfortunately, we've no coal left
******************************************

I just watched a documentary about Margaret Thatcher.
It had the warning "May Not Be Suitable For Miners".
******************************************

The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The ex-PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, "did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Conservative in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Thatcher seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope punched her.

******************************************
When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and shouted, "Fucking brilliant!"

Everyone around me was disgusted, and looking back, I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.

[kendal1972]

I ordered some pills against premature ejaculation a month ago but they still haven't come.

"I used to be a very unloved and bullied child, But now I am older I have made everyone pay".
"Yes Mister Cameron, you certainly have".

Our records show that you could be entitled to £3,047 compensation as a result of mishandling back in 1967. Text 1 for Rolf, 2 for Hall or 3 for Savile and we will send you a pack.

I don't think Anne Frank would of been a Justin Beiber fan. The fact is millions of people following an idiot is why she was hiding in an attic.

[petesie]

I do like that last one...

[thailover57]

This seemed like the best section for this. From a Thai dating website:
"I do not use a night. My father was a government office."

What was her mother? A school bus?

[petesie]

Best Irish Joke in a long Time!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He
falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[kendal1972]

These self-service checkouts are getting far too clever. This afternoon I was scanning my stuff when my 2 year-old son climbed up onto the shelf with the shopping. Then an automated voice said "Unexpected item in the bagging area"
How did it know he was an accident?


Rooney has been on his best behaviour lately, as he's worried about leaving bad impressions on Klay.


I made a flesh-light using just a spud the other day.
I call it a Jack-It Potato!

If found guitly the actor who plays Kevin Webster, will be sent to Wakefield prison, which is home to Mike Philpott.
There they will reform Mike and the machanic.

[thailover57]

Truth in advertising

Attached Files

•  image.jpg   281.12KB   7 downloads

[kendal1972]

time for a new batch me thinks

The Geographer was Hungary, went to get some Turkey, slipped over Greece, and broke the China.

I've bought myself a new gadget that helps me to home in on the most gorgeous, up for it women around town on a night out.
A twat-nav.

My mate said, "Would it be wrong to lick your Grannies fanny?"
I said, "I don't know, it's a bit of a grey area."

[kendal1972]

and a couple more

My mate tried to convince me they grow testicles the same way they grow grapes.
Bunch of bollocks.

I went to see my grumpy, war veteran grandad in hospital the other day.
"What's for dinner?" he barked.
"Chicken at 1 o'clock" said the nurse, so he shot the French bloke in the bed opposite.

With great power, comes a great erection.

[thailover57]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

[batman4ever]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
__________________

[petesie]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head tofoot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're having granite worktops."