303 replies to this topic

[Woof1]

An Old one I heard years ago when in the Deep South

Timbucktu

Me and my Friend Tim Went Camping one day
Three Lovely Ladies We met on the way
They were Three and we were two,
So I bucked One and Tim Buk two

[petesie]

The Pervert

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing:

"Have you got a tight, unshaven cunt?"

Woman:

"Yes, he's watching telly - who shall I say is calling?"

[filbert]

I bought a raffle ticket the other night. I won bugger all.

I love the raffles at our swingers club.

[filbert]

I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets.

For an hour or so usually.

[filbert]

I was telling a girl down the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

[petesie]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

[petesie]

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

[petesie]

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'Oh My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

[petesie]

An Interlude...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft, please."


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys"?
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[petesie]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink."

[petesie]

Men just don't listen

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot."

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT."

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him Spike!"

[thailover57]

WalMart

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