303 replies to this topic

[dixon cox]

I woke up late last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed :o

... First I was afraid, I was petrified!


But it's ok, I will survive

[petesie]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring
with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[patrick]

That's a cracker Pete...It's the way ya tell em.

[dixon cox]

I woke up late last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed :o

... First I was afraid, I was petrified!


But it's ok, I will survive

[petesie]

Ok not a joke but a New Years conundrum;

Three men went to a hotel to share a room.

The clerk asked for $300.

Each man paid $100, making up the $300.

The hotelkeeper then decided to allow a discount for the day,
charging only $250 for the room.

He told the clerk to return $50 to the three men.

The clerk pocketed $20 for himself.
He gave the remaining $30 back to the three men.

Each man took back $10.
Therefore, each man paid $100 - $10 = $90 for the night.

$90 x 3 = $270 + the clerk's $20 = $290.

Question: Where has the remaining $10 gone?

There is widespread interest in this question posted by a university in N.Z.
Many people are still trying to work out an answer (including me!)

[redeye]

easy, the clerck's $20 should come off the $270 leaving $250 for the hotel -- Simples

now if only I could work out the true cost of a night with one of our lovelies that easily

[kendal1972]

old i'm sure
if your german i'm sorry, actually i'm lying.....
useful german driving phrases:-
Indicators - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Speedometer - Der Egobooster
Puncture - Die phatte mit bludyfuken
Learner - Die Twaten mit Elpatten
Estate Car - Die Bagsromm fur shagginkinauto
Windscreen Wiper - Die Flippenflappenschittenspredden
HandBrake - Der Edbangenonvindskreen stoppenquick
Breatherlyser - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen
Seatbelt - Der Klunkenklicken fraulinetrapper
Headlights - Das Dippendontdazzle ubastud
Fog Warning - Die puttenfutdown f.ukit
Highway Code - Der wipen fur asen
Tyres - phlattfarts
Traffic Jam - Der bluddinfukkin damundblasten
Backfire - Der lowdenbang mekkenme f.ukenjumpen
Accident - Der bleedinmess
Cyclist - Pedalpushen pilloken

[petesie]

I actually read all them and by the time I got to the seatbelt I was howling.

Cheers Kendal.

[petesie]

Oldies but goldies...

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[petesie]

While I'm at it...

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Too expensive, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap."