Thank you for your thoughtful (and hilarious) replys. Yes, when i first started to fantasise about ladyboys and jack off to them i would feel guilty and then jack off to a woman to get my "man fix". The thing is i thought i was over that. I've been openly discussing my sexuality with a psychotherapist for over a year now and am totally at peace with it. At least i thought i was.
One of my issues is that i have been in a relationship with a woman for the last 3 years. I love her and she's a wonderful person. The thing is all i crave is ladyboys. When we're screwing in my mind its a ladyboy that i'm screwing. So i continued on like this for ages until i finally decided to pursue a relationship with a ladyboy on the quiet and see how it went.
It was supposed to be my "big reveal" so to speak. Where i would finally have clarity and know which way i went.
Hmmm, I'm not too sure what having sex with a ladyboy would reveal. Especially if is a ladyboy who happens to posses a great deal of feminine beauty.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of the militant adherents to the "third sex theory." There are guys on this forum who get pissed off at the mere suggestion that they might be gay, or bisexual because they like ladyboys. Hey, they are entitled to their opinion, and ultimately one's own opinion is all that matters in terms of self image.
I happen to classify sex with a ladyboy as a homosexual encounter, albeit a fringe variation of a homosexual encounter.
I consider myself a bisexual because of my dalliances with ladyboys; others have different opinions on this, but I'd like to again point out that one's personal opinion is all that matters when it comes to self image and self esteem. (NOTE: I'm trying to avoid an angry response from a third sexer with all this blather
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I think if we drew a series of Venn Diagrams that depicted sexuality, ladyboy lovers, and there are many different types of ladyboy lovers, would invariably find themselves in overlap areas.
If I were you, I'd be more concerned with the part of your brain that is conjuring up images of ladyboys while you are banging your fiancé.
Maybe it isn't a sexuality thing at all? Maybe it is ladyboys representing something exotic, something other that what you have?
Maybe it is the part of you that doesn't want to get married?
So instead of any revelation about my sexuality as a result of my encounter i am in fact right back where i started. My partner and i are due to start a family this year and part of me doesn't want that.
Make sure you give "that part of you" a fair listen. Don't suppress his voice or stifle his wisdom and advice.
Because, if you press on with the marriage without giving him an honest chance to be heard, I predict he will be an incredible pain-in-the-ass once you are married.
Just imagine how smug and condescending he will be every time you have a bad day of married life. I can hear him right now saying shit like, "I told you so! You had to go and do it, didn't you?"
Then he will get bitter at some point, and start using the victim card to talk you into fucking around on your wife. Better that you give him a chance to be fully heard, and let him address all of his concerns now, or he is going to be one rotten bastard to deal with later.
Personally, I think he is the one sending all those ladyboy images to you during sex with your fiancé.
So yeh - i guess i'm sharing this in the hope some of you guys may be able to offer some similar experiences.
Not exactly similar, but I'll share my entrance into the ladyboy world.
First, I'm a sex addict, I know that, and it is primarily what makes me a poor candidate for marriage, or long-term relationships. I started banging every girl I could in high school, and have only recently begun to slow down.
When I was 35, I was living in Japan and fucking my brains out, but never even thought about ladyboys/newhalfs until I met a Phillipino newhalf that owned a little karaoke bar. I eventually hung around one night after closing time, and we fucked each other every way possible.
I wanted to keep it a secret from all the regulars at the bar (it wasn't kept secret), but I didn't experience any disgust with myself like you described.
Not much became of it at first, and a few months later, I happened to meet a Thai girl (GG) who was in Japan taking some training courses for her company.
She swept me off my feet, and despite my knowledge that I was a poor choice for a husband or steady boyfriend, I played the part for almost two years. Kind of easy since she had to return to Thailand after the first few months.
I went to visit her in Thailand, and she couldn't take off much time from work, so I had plenty of time to play with a few ladyboys while she was at work.
After I went back to Japan, I was back at that karaoke bar fucking around with the Philipino newhalf, who would pimp me out to her newhalf friends.
Once I was deep into the scene, a few years later, I did manage to get myself into a few situations where I felt uncomfortable. This was with cross dressers that I'd pick up, who would look so damn hot at the bar, but once you got them back to the love hotel, and undressed them, well, definitely femboys to put it lightly.
Still I was undaunted, I'm fine with fucking femboys. The only time I really grappled with it was with a cross dresser who I liked enough to see on a regular basis for a while. He only dressed female on the weekends, as a dude, he looked like a J-pop singer, girlish, but definitely a dude.
I felt a little uncomfortable going out during the week with him, but did anyway; besides, he knew tons of newhalfs.
Anyway, that's why I don't have trouble calling myself bisexual. In my case, I think it is somewhat accurate.
A reason why I think I find ladyboys/newhalfs appealing, is because it is primarily a sexual fling. I've had friendships develop a few times, but I've never felt the urge to commit, never been jealous if they fucked someone else, only had one get jealous of me fucking another person.
I still like GGs, but I always feel obligated to lie to them to get in their pants. Pretend like I am husband material, I don't like doing that, but I do it.
Probably more of a story than you asked for, but there it is. Maybe you can extract something from all of that, and it will help you find clarity.
Cheers!