41 replies to this topic

[paultain]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be cove red with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the w orld that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.

(>From drinking little bottles of ?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And the best for last…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[paultain]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------ ---- ------------ --------- --------- ---
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

[paultain]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[xyzzy]

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

This one is an urban (rural?) legend per snopes.com. BTW Guam is owned by the US and is 85% Catholic.

[Legend]

UK.
16 year old girls can "fall" pregnant by a stranger, then be given a free flat, and a weekly amount of money enough to never work . ever.!

a pint of beer in a pub is three times more expensive than a pint of petrol.

beer in supermarkets is cheaper than water.

if you smile at a stranger , you would be considered a wierdo.

[scottiej23]

Military Aviation Repair Log Excerpts

* Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
* Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."


* Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
* Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."


* Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
* Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."


* Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
* Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."


* Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
* Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."


* Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
* Solution: "Turn up the volume."


* Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
* Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."


* Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
* Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."


* Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
* Solution: "Evidence removed."


* Problem: "Target Radar hums."
* Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."


* Problem: "Number three engine missing."
* Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


* Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
* Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."


* Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
* Solution: "Live bugs on order."


* Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
* Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."


* Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
* Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"


* Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
* Solution: "That's what they're there for."


* Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
* Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."


* Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
* Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."


* Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
* Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
* Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."


* Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
* Solution: "IT DOES NOW."


* Problem: "Roaches in galley."
* Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"


* Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
* Solution: "No cat this station."


* Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
* Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."


* Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
* Solution: " Found short between the headphones."


* Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
* Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."


* Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
* Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."


* Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
* Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."


* Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
* Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."


* Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
* Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"


* Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
* Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"


* Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
* Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

[paultain]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be cove red with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the w orld that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.

(>From drinking little bottles of ?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And the best for last…..

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[paultain]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------ ---- ------------ --------- --------- ---
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

[paultain]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[xyzzy]

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for their first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

This one is an urban (rural?) legend per snopes.com. BTW Guam is owned by the US and is 85% Catholic.

[Legend]

UK.
16 year old girls can "fall" pregnant by a stranger, then be given a free flat, and a weekly amount of money enough to never work . ever.!

a pint of beer in a pub is three times more expensive than a pint of petrol.

beer in supermarkets is cheaper than water.

if you smile at a stranger , you would be considered a wierdo.

[scottiej23]

Military Aviation Repair Log Excerpts

* Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
* Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."


* Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
* Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."


* Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
* Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."


* Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
* Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."


* Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
* Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."


* Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
* Solution: "Turn up the volume."


* Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
* Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."


* Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
* Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."


* Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
* Solution: "Evidence removed."


* Problem: "Target Radar hums."
* Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."


* Problem: "Number three engine missing."
* Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."


* Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
* Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."


* Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
* Solution: "Live bugs on order."


* Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
* Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."


* Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
* Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"


* Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
* Solution: "That's what they're there for."


* Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
* Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."


* Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
* Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."


* Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
* Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
* Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."


* Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
* Solution: "IT DOES NOW."


* Problem: "Roaches in galley."
* Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"


* Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
* Solution: "No cat this station."


* Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
* Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."


* Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
* Solution: " Found short between the headphones."


* Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
* Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."


* Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
* Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."


* Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
* Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."


* Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
* Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."


* Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
* Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"


* Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
* Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"


* Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
* Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."